Sunday, February 22, 2009

The 2009 Cleveland Cavaliers (Automotive Edition)

Two disclosures before you decide whether to read this post:

1. It represents an idea that my buddy DC and I have been discussing for about a year now, but in all fairness, I'm pretty sure I saw a link recently where another blogger did essentially the same thing. Thus, I'm not claiming that this is an original idea (not that it's good enough to warrant any sort of props for whoever really came up with it).

2. There is absolutely no information to be ascertained from this post. It is highly probable that if you decide to read it, you'll be left to ponder the fact that you just wasted 5 minutes of your life that you can never get back. With that said . . .

If each member of the Cleveland Cavaliers were a car, what kind of car would he be? Think about the Owen Wilson Pixar flick for an idea of what I'm talking about. The brash young athlete represented by the hybrid stock/formula one car. The wise, gruff, past his prime veteran represented by the Hudson Hornet. The sexy and mysterious (don't try to tell me that Sally Carrera wasn't sexy) female portrayed by the powder blue 911 . . . Well if they were to make a "Cars II" about the 2009 Cleveland Cavaliers, what type of car would represent each player? He's are my best guesses.

1. Lebron James: 2009 Bugatti Veyron - This was too easy. Pick any ridiculous supercar and you could make a case that it's the car that should play Lebron. I went with the Bugatti because it's the fastest production car on the planet, it's built like a Sherman Tank, and it packs more power under the hood than you can possibly wrap your brain around: A turbocharged 64 Valve W16 that generates over 1,000 horsepower. It's an absurd vehicle to represent an absurd athlete.

2. Mo Williams: 2004 Honda S-2000 - If someone were to show up at your house one
day and offer you a 2004 Honda S-2000, you'd be pretty excited right? I mean, you wouldn't go berzerk as if someone were handing you the keys to a Ferrari, but nevertheless,
that would be a great and memorable day, would it not? That's the type of reaction many of us had when the Cavs got Mo Williams. He certainly represented a massive upgrade over our then existing point guard options, much like the 04 S-2000 would represent a massive upgrade over what most of us are currently driving. Moreover, the S-2000 is a deceptively fast and sporty vehicle, and while it doesn't have the flashiest body or garner the most recognition in its class, it's clearly more than just a solid everyday performer. The same can be said for Mo.


3. Zydrunas Ilgauskas: 1988 Chevrolet E20 Conversion Van - Anyone caught driving this relic would be mercilessly ridiculed by their friends. But, that wouldn't change the fact that it would still be just as roomy and comfortable as it was the day it rolled off the assembly line. You could make the same argument for big Z. He's awkwardly large, painfully slow, and his game is a bit of an eyesore, but I challenge you to find more than a few players who have been more consistent and effective over the last 10 years.

4. Delonte West: Modified 2007 Honda Civic - The crazy appearance and cliche'
nature of this vehicle take away from the fact that, as modified, it's a pretty high performer. In much the same way, Although Delonte is, well . . . he's not a particularly attractive man, but in spite of his unusual appearance, he's a very solid guard. He doesn't do anything exceptionally well but much like the modified civic, he's a reliable above-average performer.




5. Ben Walace: Dump Truck - This vehicle is large,
one-dimensional, and serves a very narrow purpose. Need I say more?





6. Anderson Varajao: 2004 Land Rover Defender - The defender is a big, rugged, off-road vehicle that you just don't see a lot of in the U.S. Similarly Varejao is a tough, gritty banger in the paint with a look and playing style that are equally unique.




7. Daniel Gibson: 2001 Chyrsler PT Cruiser - When the PT made its debut in 2001, it received a ton of hype based on the fact that there was nothing on the market at that time that was anything like it. After the initial excitement faded, however, people
began to realize that the PT was a bit of a dud on the road. Now, the vehicle's look is terribly outdated and anyone seen driving one looks a little ridiculous. When Dan Gibson emerged onto the scene in the 2007 playoffs, Cavs fans went wild. For years, we had been searching for a pure shooter to play with Lebron and finally, one had arrived. Now, a couple of years later, Gibson looks one-dimensional and his one above average skill, shooting, is now either matched or surpassed by several other more versatile players on the Cavs' roster.

8. Wally Szczerbiak: 1995 BMW 745iL - Sure it was a status symbol in its day but the truth of the matter is that it was was always wildly overpriced and a maintenance nightmare. Do I even need to draw the parallels to Wally's career? We may love him as an expiring contract and he was even an all-star in his prime but overall, his career has been a little underwhelming for a guy who was once viewed as a great white hope or sorts.

9. Sasha Pavlovic: 1988 Pontiac Fiero - It looks sporty. It should've been fun to own. Unfortunately, the Fiero never took off due to a host of issues including a reputation for engine fires. If you look at Pavlovic, he should be a useful player. He's big, fast, and at one time, was supposedly a decent shooter. By now though, we know it's just never going to happen for him. Much like the Fiero, Pavlovic's career is destined to be short and forgettable.

10. J.J. Hickson: 2006 Pontiac Solstice - The Solstice made a pretty good splash in 06 as a surprisingly sleek and affordable roadster. Sure, it had next to nothing under the hood but it was still an appealing start for a model that we suspected would have a pretty bright future. Hickson has been a pleasant surprise for a guy drafted in a spot where few before him had made a significant impact. Sure he's raw and a defensive liability but he definitely has the potential to be a solid rotation player in the future.


11. Tarence Kinsey: 2001 Hyundai Elantra - It's not flashy and it's made by a company that is only now starting to get any respect, but it's a reliable compact that will get you from point A to point B. Similarly, Kinsey doesn't get a lot of respect after spending the last year in Europe and while he isn't flashy, he'll give you a few passable minutes every night to give your other guards a blow.



12. Lorenzen Wright: Rusted-out Pickup Truck - This vehicle may have been servicable in its day but now, it's just a useless corpse waiting to be loaded into the shredder.....like Lorenzen Wright.






13. Darnell Jackson: Hearse - This vehicle serves an extremely narrow purpose and every time you see it, it makes you a little uneasy. The same could be said for Darnell Jackson. He's in the league solely for his big body and every time I see him on the floor, I'm reminded of the fact that our frontcourt is still one man short.




14. Trey Johnson: 1991 Geo Metro - If you saw a 91 Metro on the road today, you would wonder what the hell it was doing there. I have that same thought every time I see Trey Johnson on the floor in an NBA game.



15. Eric Snow: 1990 Toyota Tercel - In its day, there was nothing wrong with it. By the end of the decade, there was absolutely no reason for anyone to be driving one. The Snow parallels go without saying. Just remember: Up until 2007, the Cavs starting point guard was the equivalent of a 1990 Toyota Tercel. Thank you Danny Ferry.

OK, now for the fun part. I'm holding an informal contest for the best car comparison in the comments section of this post. To have realistic shot at winning, a suggestion must be strong in three areas: 1) comparison accuracy, 2) creativity, and 3) comedic value. Have at it CMCR nation.

5 comments:

Dr. R.S. said...

Mike Brown: Kit from Nightrider
Kit always seemed to give sage advice to Michael, helping him solve whatever cockamamie mystery your everyday talking car was designed for. But in reality he basically just told The Hoff where to be and when, making him little more than a glorified 1980’s GPS navigator. Likewise, Brown may receive much credit for the Cavs incredible record this year, but when you have Lebron on your team, saying “Go play defense” can often result in you looking more like Red Auerbach and less like Tim Floyd. Kit may have looked slick on the surface, but underneath he was actually just the voice of boring-as-Hell no-fun Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World. Similarly, though Mike Brown may dress to the nines for Cavs games, all of us can picture him sitting at home on a Saturday night eating cheetos in a stained T-shirt while watching The Batchelor. When Hasselhoff left the show for the glitz and glam of Baywatch, one knows that Kit probably ended up with a job bussing people to and from the airport. And if Lebron were to leave Cleveland for New York (which like Pam Anderson is fun to look at but fake), you know Mike Brown will disappear into sports oblivion, probably preaching defense as an assistant coach for some girls high school team. Plus, despite sometimes appearing to have something wise to say, both Kit and Brown kind of have stupid voices that make you want to hit the mute button when they speak. “I’llllll see ya!”

Art Brosef said...

Good post Dr, but I do think its selling Brown a bit short.

Obviously coaching with Lebron makes the job a little easier, but telling Lebron to "go play defense" and getting a group of NBA players to actually "buy in" the idea of playing defense are not quite the same thing.

Biff, since youve pretty accurately identified the current CAVS roster......are other NBA players fair game for comparisons??

I remember reading a blog comparing the SEC football teams to Simpsons characters, and they eventually opened it up to the entire NCAA. It was hilarious.

Biff said...

Good call Art. We'll open the costest up to any NBA Player in the league. Got any good ones to get it started?

Andy said...

Shouldn't the movie be called "Carrs"?

I especially like the Varejao comparison because Land Rovers have a high center of gravity and are prone to tipping over, or one might say flopping.

Biff said...

Ha, double touche'.